self-love

Yeah I know you may have heard this a million zillion times, probably it has spoken of since the dawn of humanity, but allow me the privilege of putting it in my own context. You can never know be certain of when and where that you are fated to meet your soul mate. Weird as it seems, it could be in a club while you're half-sober although I must admit that it isn't a good spot for you to spread your "love" there. In all fairness, it could still happen, right? You may never know for sure. Mr Right might also be discovered in a cinema...or at a library, festivals, cafe, restaurants, offices, beaches, and many many other wonderful places that u least expected.

As for yours truly, Mr Viking-beard with the black metal band t-shirt charmed me in the office where I previously worked at. Can I possibly keep this man for the rest of my life? Even if things doesn't work out the way we want, through thick and thin? I like to think otherwise because when i think the other way round it always work. or maybe that's just me. But believe me it could work! sometimes...see my own contradictions in myself?

Anyway I did wish and hope that i could find someone new back then..whom could lead me to wonderful things in life. Accept me for who I am....all this while typing on the computer at the office. All this right after i had a bad break up, just a few weeks back. Hey! Aren't you suppose to focus on your tons of files and documents and clients that await you to return their calls? As I had my heart broken many many times before. Those bullshit people call puppy poo love, some leave behind good vibes in my mind while others still give me the chills, thrills, and drills like I need another hole in the head.

Funnily, that never bothered me as all I could think of is what life has to offer in the future. Being a human is about either you are blessed with a good life or not, whether you are able to handle the challenges handed to you or just lay helpless on the ground asking for mercy and sympathy. Having said that, I AM still a child and the child in me is the one that brings out the worst... a demanding princess that squeals for all the superficial things in life.. a needy, irritating and annoying piece of shit that makes you want to spank me on the face and never ever deal with a child like me...again! Just put me in a "mental orphanage" that would force me to be a more appreciative young woman that I ought to be! Oh no! Please I promise I'll be good mother.

And this child within is not ready to be married at such a young age, even though age is just a number. The real question here is whether I'm a fully grown up woman that is expected of me.. 'Oh well you are getting married so you MUST be mature enough to handle all the obstacles. NO! if I am, why in the world could I not get over the fact that I DIDN'T get my fairy tale dream wedding?? Most of the time it's either you are married by force due to pregnancy or any other unforeseen complications, but me? I am married because the both of us chose to be, so it is only fair that I have a fairy flying by my side! How I wish I have worked hard enough to give myself a wedding of my dreams. Here I am, jobless, no wedding of the year, clueless of what I want to do in life, although I have to be thankful that I am living a happy and wonderful life with the most incredible and intelligent husband. Sorry if I nag and sulk too much about the wedding, honey. I'll be waiting patiently for that "dream" that you promised in 10 years time..yes, that got me smiling hoping not to age so much in the decade to come.

Sometimes I can't help but think that marriage is just for the sake of being with somebody you love legally and with family's blessings. The reason why I think in such a way is because I haven't found the right path (in life) although for now i think i chose the right path of marrying someone truly amazing! The guy with the huge curls whom I love and cherish dearly. He's way too adorable at times. Yes, how is it possible for you to marry someone when you don't love them? It can never work that way. Burgher!

But I do believe that love in whatever form, platonic or otherwise, can have the tendency to fade away, without you realising. Though it could then pop up again when you least expect it, especially when you feel the sudden need to be loved and longing for the person you used to share your everyday life with to be by your side. Why is it that I always think of the negatives? When there are many wonderful moments to be thankful of. Of course, I keep the positives at the back of my mind as well!

This journey of ours is far from over.. although I must admit that it is too early to say that it will last forever and ever. Who in their right mind wouldn't want to have a happy-ending romance that would last for centuries. Humans will always have doubts somewhere deep within their hearts. I have mine.

As for now though, there is not much to complain about. I only nag to myself on how to groom my inner-self into a better human being. How may I transform myself into someone who is blessed with self confidence and being able to bring myself more approachable around other people. A vibrant, bubbly and colourful character that nobody can resist. There is still a big hole in my heart dented by this confusion that needs to be mended.

Now do you get the gist of my ramblings? It may give the wrong meaning and impression to the wrong crowd. Though I never mean to distract, confuse, or demean in anything I say.
I am someone you can’t read.
- Nur Izrein -

Michael Buble or Bubble Tea?

"It's a new day, it's a new life, it’s a new phase..."

or something like it went the song. A whirlwind of a month has passed by, the synchronisation of everything metallic in me with floral elements of my better half is imminent, and is in fact in full swing as we speak (or as I type, literally). First days have always been challenging for articulate souls like thee, and even more for the intelligently-challenged humanoids like me. The first day of school has always been daunting, to say the least. I am not rushing for time now, so screw the LEAST, first day of school have always been horrifically embarrassing, downright humiliating and painstakingly aggravating my blood levels to greater heights...steadily every year.

This year is no different, I would like to say, although there are positive elements that might suggest differently. Orientations will always be orientations, where speeches and talks evolve into friendly chats and long walks. Campus tours abound with plenty of food to go around. Song and structure turns to bong and laughter...okay, sorry for getting carried away with rhyming ( there'll always be a bit of Air-PooL in me *wink2* ). Having gone through the entire couple of weeks of intense orientation, although i technically went for only two days, did make me a number of new friends and acquaintances. Some of which I might have shied away from if I was still back home due to their social standards, either that or they would stray away from me due to my uneventful stature or reputation in the uni hierarchy. Being in a foreign land made me jump in the fire and leave myself in the position whereby I could easily crash and burn, or still crash (due to my nervous nature) but then eventually swimming my way to the shore. So luckily enough, I did manage to cross that hurdle in the huddle (Air-PooL again!) and find myself still wet but dried off in due course by the scorching island sun (I’m in the biggest island on the planet, mind you).

All those chitty-chatter aside, it is unsure how my little venture in the rapture would count towards my success rate in the actual first day of classes, circa this evening, tadi lah. From the looks of it, I am really gonna have to buck up and be prepared for the worst, as these Aussie folks are truly diverse, both in their cultural backgrounds and also of their acceptance of the melting pot of cultures which they apparently hold so dear, or so we are told. What I meant by that is these people have very unique surnames which represents their cultural heritage, there’s a Tutopolioni, a Gianakolidis and even a Gorchovsky present in my class today. That seems to be all fine and dandy till a Mr. Jaaffar introduces himself. Please note that I am not patronising nor belittling our big friends in their little world. What I do realises, however, the moment I stepped forward and told my story to the crowd I was definitely welcomed by a million looks, which appear to be of welcoming, condescending and confusing nature at times. Which brings me back to my rambling much earlier that I have always had trouble being around new faces and places, especially if they are far so opposite culturally than my own. Imagine the shaking of knees I had to go through then, could have won me a gold medal in a limbo contest, and being in limbo is the last thing I’d like to be in, more than ever considering the many obstacles that lie ahead as my adventure down under continues...

- Shaiful Nizam Jaaffar -